There are so many things that I wonder about.  Wondering can be a good thing, but it can also get you in rut of depression if you wonder and what if about the past.  I wonder about how things work and how things are made; I wonder about everything.  And sometimes I may seem weird because I wonder out loud to people who don’t always know how to take me.

But the things that I wonder about are mostly things in my past.  I’m afraid that I have the dreaded “What If” syndrome.  There are so many things that I would do differently.  In order to change them all, I think I should go back to at least the beginning of my Junior year in High School.

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Why so far back?  I believe that it would encompass the time around where I made my very first life changing mistake.  I was talking on the phone to a friend and was trying to get off the phone, but then she said something that piqued my interest.  It was about music and if I’d heard a particular song and did I like it?  Unfortunately, I liked the song and this girl ended up becoming my best friend, and thus seriously ruining my life.

Like most teenagers, I did things that I shouldn’t have.  But, I wonder what my life would be like today if I had just hung up the stupid phone!  It was mostly because of her that I started failing some of my classes and wanted to quit school entirely.

I was in band and played French Horn.  I was actually pretty good.  I made All Area and got to try out for State!!  It was great!  I even had two scholarship opportunities!  But, that’s an entirely another thing that I wonder about.

The next time I looked, twenty-five years had past and the damage of not keeping in touch or putting my foot in my mouth was irreparable.  When we are young, we sometimes say things that aren’t true in order to protect ourselves from getting hurt.  When I was around seventeen, I brother-zoned someone to protect myself.  My mom had always told me that no boy would ever like me because I was too fat.  In retrospect, I was perfect!  In any event, I ruined that relationship; he was my best friend.  No longer a real friend, now just barely a Facebook friend.  I am truly sorry.

I missed so many things and can only wonder what the outcomes were.  What happened to all of my friends?  Where did they go?  What are their lives like, now?  Do they ever wonder about me, I wonder?

via Daily Prompt: Wonder

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